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Before we open this conversation, I want to know…do you have an inner critic? I’m pretty sure your answer is yes. The inner critic is this part of us that often shows up as criticism, or second guessing or undermining ourselves. It’s the part of us that we can hear or feel when it tells us— “I’m not good enough”, “My work is not good enough yet”, “What’s wrong with me?”, “I’ll never be able to achieve this”, “You should give up now before you waste too much time”...

I’m sure many of you listening can relate to this… and also, I’m pretty sure many of you wish it wasn’t there. You may be hoping to find a way to get rid of it.

First, I want to share something I say quite often to my private clients:

“Sometimes there’s nothing to change in the picture— it’s more about changing the lens through which we look at it.”

I wanted to offer this reflection to you today because I want to help you shift your perspective around destroying the inner critic. Actually, today’s episode is an invitation to stop fighting your inner critic, and instead see how you can befriend this part of you.

The inner critic is a very big topic and it’s a concept we can explore from many different angles… So, I guess we can start by acknowledging that this is a part of us… And just like any other part of you, it’s there for a reason. Otherwise, it would not be there. It serves a purpose. There’s nothing in our life, whether it’s someone, a belief, a pattern, a part of us, that stays if it does not serve a purpose… It’s there for a reason.

And this part of you deserves to be seen, to be heard, to be understood.

I’m sure many of you can relate to feeling unseen, unheard or misunderstood… maybe when you were a child, a teenager, a young adult or even today. I want you to think about how it made you feel to be ignored or rejected… and I want you to notice how that’s what you’re doing now, when you’re looking to get rid of your inner critic. When we fight against it or we try to push it away, or destroy it or conquer it, we’re ignoring or rejecting a part of ourselves… and, again, this part is here for a reason.

Even if it doesn’t look or feel this way, the inner critic is actually a protective part of us. It’s trying to protect us the only way it knows how to, and it’s by keeping us in our comfort zone. This self-talk is keeping you small, hidden… Because when we believe we’re not good enough, well, we don’t take action on our goals. And when we don’t take action on them, there’s way less risk of getting hurt. If we’re not being seen or heard, no one can really criticize us. So by judging, rejecting and bullying ourselves before anyone else gets to is how we make sure we never get hurt. No one can really hurt you, when you already hurt yourself. No one can reject you when you already rejected yourself. No one can really criticize you when you’re keeping yourself small and hidden. When we convince ourselves that we cannot do something, then we don’t. And when we don’t, we think we can avoid getting hurt… but we also stay stagnant.

When we engage in this kind of self-talk and behaviour, what we’re doing is protecting ourselves. It’s a coping mechanism. It gives us the illusion of control. It makes us think we’re safe and we won’t get hurt. It keeps us in our comfort zone. This part of us is in charge of bringing some fears to our attention, again so we don't get hurt. But the thing is, its intention is to help you move away from danger, away from anxiety, away from fear… and not towards growth. It keeps us in avoidance.

And at some point, we need to face our fears. We need to grow. We need to learn to move towards what we want, and not away from what we fear.

So, what I want to invite you to do today, is to open a conversation with your inner critic instead of wanting to get rid of it.

3 steps to befriend your inner critic

Observe— Get some perspective and distance from this part of you. See how you can observe them, without judging it. Just being curious about what they say, where you can feel them in your body, what they may look like if you were trying to illustrate them… Maybe you want to give them a name.
Befriend— Open a dialogue with this part of you. Welcome their presence with compassion, and listen to what they have to share. Get curious about their fears, and the ways it decided to protect you from them.
Collaborate— See if you can start to write a new job description for them— can they become your inner coach instead? Your growth protector instead of your danger protector?

As we wrap up this conversation today, I would love for you to keep 3 important things in mind when you feel the inner critic popping up:

There’s no need to judge or fight this part of you. It’s there for a reason.
You have the power to slowly shift the way it’s protecting you.
Get curious about this question: Am I moving away from what I don’t want, or towards what I want?